Free Candy For Everyone

Yesterday I subjected myself to the worst movie I’ve ever seen. On purpose. With advance knowledge of what I was getting myself into. No, I’m not crazy. It was all for a good laugh.

Industrial Light & Magic has been running a movie screening called “Flecks” for a while now, where they watch a bad movie and heckle at it the whole time. Since ILM and LucasArts now share a space, we’re invited to come join the fun. I decided to give it a try, since it was hyped as hugely funny.

Last night’s selection was Snakes on a Train (yes, you read that right). This gem was a direct-to-video attempt to capitalize on the buzz for Snakes on a Plane. It was low budget schlock with a ridiculous plot. But the heckling sure was good.

Plot spoilers ahead! If you have any intention of watching this wonderous(ly awful) film, stop your eyes now! Ok, I’m sure I didn’t lose any readers because you should NOT WATCH THIS THING!

The burning question on your mind is what plot device do they use to get the snakes on the train? Well, I’ll tell you! There’s a lovely Mexican lady who’s been cursed by her family because she wouldn’t marry the rich guy they wanted her to. And the curse causes her to vomit snakes! In blobs of green jello! And though they start out as small little garter snakes, over time they get bigger and bigger (and somehow get rattles) until they can eat people! Yay!

Along the way there are fun side plots like the two nice girls who decided to smuggle drugs to make some money, get caught by some guy claiming to be a Texas Ranger narcotics officer who then proceeds to take one of the girls to an empty train car and turn the movie into a porno. Don’t worry, she loses her top, but that’s about all. Because then some other guy turns up, and in a completely incomprehensible sequence of events, holds a gun to Texas Ranger’s head, pulls him into a storage car, makes him take off his shirt “So everyone can see how gay you are” and then shoots him in the mouth. I just don’t get it.

Lots of people we don’t care about die, and in the final scenes of the movie everything goes in a completely different direction and the vomiting snake woman turns into a ginormous snake that actually eats the entire train in a series of horrific CG scenes. I’m not kidding you. It’s true.

Anyways, I think the humor I have for it in hindsight might have made it all worthwhile. Maybe. But please, don’t watch it alone. You need a good group of people to make it tolerable.